9/30/2026 by Ted Freemyer
Guarding your Heart
Last Saturday, I was watching College GameDay when the Hall of Fame Coach Nick Saban said something that has resonated with me since.
He was talking about defense in modern college football. He said “Offenses have become so dynamic and so good at disguising what they are doing that it is no longer enough for a defense to simply line up, and react. The best defenses have to create real strategy for their opponent”.
They study the offense. They learn its tendencies. They recognize formations. They anticipate what is coming. They understand what an offense is trying to make them believe, and they build a strategy to defend against it. Sometimes they can even use the offense's own tendencies and strengths against it.
As I listened, I couldn't help but see how this parallels the battle for our hearts.
Proverbs 4:23 says:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
— Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Guard your heart.
That is not passive language.
It assumes there is something worth protecting and there is! Think about it, everything you do flows from your heart. So, imagine what kind of leverage the enemy would have if he could have access and control of your heart.
This is the prime objective of the enemy; to get power over your heart and as I think about it more, I’ve realized how ignorant I am to this battle inside me.
The Enemy Has a Plan Against You
Let’s take a step back and look at the enemy and his plan. Scripture is clear about the enemy’s intention: it’s to steal, kill, and destroy.
And if that's his intention, we should expect his attacks to calculated and precise.
Peter warns us that our enemy “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Paul tells us not to be unaware of his “schemes.”
Schemes. There is intentionality there.
Our enemy knows the human heart. And while he certainly doesn't know everything, I think if we're paying attention, most of us can recognize that he tends to run some of the same plays against us again and again.
You've failed and there’s no way to fix it.
You're alone.
No one really understands you.
God is disappointed in you.
You should be further along by now.
The circumstances change, but the lie underneath them often doesn't.
The Best Deception Looks Like the Real Thing
One of the things that makes a good offense so difficult to defend is deception.
The quarterback puts the ball into the running back's hands. The offensive line sells the run. The linebackers take a step forward.
Wait…. quarterback still has the ball.
The defense didn't see something completely ridiculous and fall for it. They saw something that looked almost exactly like what they expected, or seen before.
That's why the fake worked.
A good offense makes one thing look like another thing just long enough for the defense to buy it and commit.
I think the enemy works in much the same way.
His most effective lies don't usually arrive looking like lies.
They look like truth.
They feel like truth.
They can often taste and smell like truth.
And often that's because there is some truth in them.
I really did fail.
That really did hurt me.
My marriage really is difficult right now.
I really am at my limit.
God really does feel distant.
Those things may be true.
But then comes the subtle distortion:
Therefore, I'm a failure.
Therefore, I can't trust anyone.
Therefore, there’s not hope in my marriage.
Therefore, something is wrong with me
Therefore, God has abandoned me.
For me, this is often where the deception becomes most convincing: when it sounds logical.
Something happens in that space for me. I can see the facts. I can connect all the theoretical dots, and the conclusion seems to make perfect sense. And I can find myself thinking, “If it makes sense, it’s most likely true.”
Some of the lies I'm most vulnerable to believing aren't ridiculous at all. They're reasonable. They explain what I'm feeling. There may even be real truth in the premises—yet the conclusion quietly leaves out who God is, what He has said and done, who I am and where he is at.
Sometimes though, although we’ve exhausted our efforts, those lies will strike us like a arrows, dipped in deception and slung from the bow of the enemy.
So, you missed it. That lie has hit its mark.
You are hurt, exhausted, ashamed, angry, afraid, or isolated, your awareness of truth has faded.
Where does this leave you? Of course we need to know Scripture. We need to know the character of God. We need to know what He says about us and understand the gospel deeply for ourselves. But even then, at times like this we can't seem to access what we know.
There will be moments when our circumstances scream louder than anything we've learned.
And I don't think God's answer to that is simply:
Know more. Try harder. Get better at discerning.
There’s a bigger narrative! One that is actually standing outside our circumstance calling to you, throwing you a life saving rope, to drag you out of this deceptive pit.
Often, I need someone standing outside the deception to see what I can't see for myself.
I need a friend; someone I trust to speak and live out truth on my behalf.
Sometimes I need someone who knows my story—and knows my tendencies—well enough to recognize what is happening when I can’t.
Who Can See When You Can't?
This changes the question.
It's no longer simply:
Can I recognize the enemy's lies? Which, is important, but there’s more.
It's also:
Who have you and God intentionally surrounded yourself with who can recognize lies and attacks when you can't?
Because when the blinders are on—when you're in the thick of living out the lie—that may be exactly when you're least capable of identifying it for yourself.
So who knows you? Who knows the lies you're prone to believe? Who knows what you look like when you're beginning to withdraw, strive, perform, go numb, control, or isolate?
Who has permission to challenge what you're believing—not just affirm what you're feeling?
Maybe it's your wife.
Maybe it's a close friend.
Maybe it's a brother or a group of men who know more than the cleaned-up version of you.
And there's yet another question that might be even harder:
Will you choose to listen to them when what they're saying doesn't feel true?
Because sometimes the voice isn't absent.
Sometimes we're just so deep inside the deception that truth feels less believable than the lie.
The reality is, you were never meant to do this alone. God actually designed us to support each other in this way.
The enemy doesn't always need to convince us to walk away from God, though.
Sometimes he just needs to get us alone.
Because when you're alone, there is no one to combat lies you don’t have the perspective to see.
There is no one reminding you of what you already know.
There is no one looking you in the eye and saying:
My friend, you aren’t alone, we are here.
If you're worn down and fighting without reinforcements, it's no wonder you feel like you losing the battle.
But there’s hope. There’s an invitation here. God is giving us each other, and Himself in this space.
So who are the people surrounding you that know you well enough to recognize the fake when you can't?
Who have you given permission to step in and remind you of truth when it doesn't actually feel true?
I invite you to sit, walk, breathe, pray through who that might be. And if they don’t already know it, invite them in, give them a voice, and see how God works.
Sexual Jiu Jitsu
The title of this blog post is a bit startling and bear with me as I explain what it means… I never got into martial arts as a kid, but I watched a decent amount of Chuck Norris movies. So I am essentially a black belt by osmosis. My understanding of jiu jitsu is that you often try to use the opponent’s momentum against them in a counterattack. You take their move and redirect it, which brings me to the odd title of this article.
I sit with men daily who wrestle with various forms of temptation. Often, men can still feel at a loss even after learning different tactics from church or purity/accountability groups at what to do when temptation arises. You might think I’m crazy, but as I’ve been sitting with clients over the years, I believe the Lord gave me this tool: I call it sexual jiu jitsu. It is the learned skill of taking the energy of sexual temptation and redirecting it toward beneficial connection, namely with your wife. I primarily apply this to married men, but this certainly can apply to single men as well. Instead of your spouse, the redirection would be toward close friends and God as well.
I believe every morning God gives us a full glass of sex drive. Our sex drive encompasses much more than a desire for intercourse or sexual pleasure. I think our sex drive is the intrinsic motivation within us to pursue any form of connection with our wives (emotional, spiritual, physical). It the pursuit of our wives for their good primarily, not for ours. Our sex drive was meant to give us the drive needed to water the garden of our marriages so that it might flourish. That means that what you do with that glass of water each day matters a great deal. You can choose to be wasteful with the water you’ve been given, or you can see it as precious water meant to be guarded and intentionally utilized to care for and invest in your wife’s heart.
Say you are out and about and see a beautiful woman…there’s nothing wrong with noticing an attractive person. You were made to see beauty. But if you allow your mind and heart to be pulled towards her, the situation begins to change and you begin stepping over lines. Those lines are sexualizing, fantasizing, comparing and objectifying, or it is indulging the thought, “Does she notice me?” (Men don’t talk about this much, but we all have a deep desire to be desired) If I cross any of those lines in my thoughts, emotions or actions it is akin to taking the water in my glass and pouring it out on the ground (at best) or watering the garden of another woman that is not my wife (at worst). There are consequences to either action. Somewhere in me I know what I’ve done with that glass of water all day, and if I haven’t used it to pursue my wife and water our marriage then I will inevitably feel some level of guilt, shame and hiding.
Here’s where the jiu jitsu part comes in. The next time your heart feels pulled, the next time you feel tempted, the next your heart starts looking to be noticed and desired by another woman, I want you to immediately pick up your phone and either text or call your wife to pour that water into her. Let the temptation itself be the cue to pursue her heart. I am not talking about big general “I love you’s”. I want to challenge you to be precise and specific about the minutia of what you love about her. “Hey baby, I’m just thinking about you, and I have so much respect for the way you love and serve your friends even when you’re busy”. “I deeply admire the way you live out your faith. I am challenged by how you pursue the Lord.”
Several years ago I made a huge list on my phone of all things I love, admire, cherish and adore about my wife. I wrote it at a time my heart was overflowing with love for her. Now this list has become like fertilizer I use to pursue my wife. So when I feel tempted in any way to pour out my water on anyone other than my wife I open up my list, and I pick out one thing from the list to text her or say to her. Being tempted is not a sin. Please hear that: being tempted is not a sin. It is what you do with it, so take the temptation and redirect the desire that the temptation is appealing to toward your wife. It’s brilliant!
This is so much different than the old “bounce your eyes” method or the generally unhelpful advice to “not think about bad stuff”. No, whatever you resist grows, so stop fighting it and trying to white knuckle it- just redirect it towards connection. Give it a shot! I want to hear how it might change the game for you.
Arrows//Glory
Currently, as I write this, America is in a pseudo-war with Iran. Don’t ask me about the what or why, because I do not pretend to understand all of the complexities of this international conflict. One thing I know to be true is that neither America nor Iran would aimlessly shoot missiles. No, they would choose a strategic target and point that firepower at that specific target. This is one thing history has taught us about war: the enemy does not strike aimlessly. They identify a target, determine what they believe will cause the greatest damage, and direct their firepower there.
The same is true spiritually. Pay attention to the long-standing wounds and insecurities in your life. They have so much to tell us if we are willing to hear. Why is this? Because the places where the Enemy’s arrows have found their mark are the exact places where you most image the glory of God. Again, specific arrows for a specific target. The enemies of God have finite resources, time and manpower. They are not going to fire shotgun shells just crossing their fingers that one BB finds its mark. No! They see the glory of your Father in you, which they hate, and they fire a very specific set of arrows (Eph. 6:16) to diminish, steal or kill that glory.
For as long as I can remember I have had anxiety attached to my voice. I have led worship for many years, and I always felt anxious before leading worship. That makes sense to be anxious for something performance-related, but I am talking about anxiety about speaking up in general, about taking up space, raising my hand, talking about my opinions and perspectives. I felt shame about myself and it manifested as anxiety when I told anyone else about a piece of me—not only my brokenness, but my passions, excitement, interest, thoughts…Arrow #1—let’s call that arrow My Voice.
Arrow #2 is my sensitive, deeply feeling heart. My older brother was stereotypical boy: sports, girls, and anger his primary emotion. Anger expressed in cutting remarks and physical aggression. I was mostly a stereotypical boy as well, but my anger, fears, and even my joys were involuntarily often expressed in tears. This was exploited and became something I loathed about myself and held deep shame for. I also was incredibly sensitive to music and movies. Anything that felt “dark” struck a wrong chord in my body, and I could not join in with what seemed for other boys to be harmless fun. At 14, if I had the chance, I would’ve hardened my heart to avoid the shame of looking weak. I tried but was unsuccessful thankfully.
Fast forward to current day: I am now a therapist who constantly has to use my voice to speak my mind, opinions, feelings and thoughts. In other words, in order for me to be effective in my job it requires that I share myself with others. The second necessity for my job is a heart that is both strong and sensitive. Without my ability to deeply feel I wouldn’t know how to be a therapist. It is my ability to feel the experience of another and then to voice its impact on me that gives me deep connection with the people in my life. These are the unique ways I embody the glory of my Father, and as I look back on my story, those two parts of me were under assault from a young age. Coincidence?? Nope.
Where have the arrows found their mark in you? What are the recurring fears, anxieties, insecurities you carry around with you? When do you feel most anxious and afraid? What does this tell you about your glory? How do these arrows point to the epicenter of God’s unique fingerprint on your life?
Those who have courage to hear what the arrows have to say, let them hear.