Sexual Jiu Jitsu

The title of this blog post is a bit startling and bear with me as I explain what it means… I never got into martial arts as a kid, but I watched a decent amount of Chuck Norris movies. So I am essentially a black belt by osmosis. My understanding of jiu jitsu is that you often try to use the opponent’s momentum against them in a counterattack. You take their move and redirect it, which brings me to the odd title of this article.

I sit with men daily who wrestle with various forms of temptation. Often, men can still feel at a loss even after learning different tactics from church or purity/accountability groups at what to do when temptation arises. You might think I’m crazy, but as I’ve been sitting with clients over the years, I believe the Lord gave me this tool: I call it sexual jiu jitsu. It is the learned skill of taking the energy of sexual temptation and redirecting it toward beneficial connection, namely with your wife. I primarily apply this to married men, but this certainly can apply to single men as well. Instead of your spouse, the redirection would be toward close friends and God as well.

I believe every morning God gives us a full glass of sex drive. Our sex drive encompasses much more than a desire for intercourse or sexual pleasure. I think our sex drive is the intrinsic motivation within us to pursue any form of connection with our wives (emotional, spiritual, physical). It the pursuit of our wives for their good primarily, not for ours. Our sex drive was meant to give us the drive needed to water the garden of our marriages so that it might flourish. That means that what you do with that glass of water each day matters a great deal. You can choose to be wasteful with the water you’ve been given, or you can see it as precious water meant to be guarded and intentionally utilized to care for and invest in your wife’s heart.

Say you are out and about and see a beautiful woman…there’s nothing wrong with noticing an attractive person. You were made to see beauty. But if you allow your mind and heart to be pulled towards her, the situation begins to change and you begin stepping over lines. Those lines are sexualizing, fantasizing, comparing and objectifying, or it is indulging the thought, “Does she notice me?” (Men don’t talk about this much, but we all have a deep desire to be desired) If I cross any of those lines in my thoughts, emotions or actions it is akin to taking the water in my glass and pouring it out on the ground (at best) or watering the garden of another woman that is not my wife (at worst). There are consequences to either action. Somewhere in me I know what I’ve done with that glass of water all day, and if I haven’t used it to pursue my wife and water our marriage then I will inevitably feel some level of guilt, shame and hiding.

Here’s where the jiu jitsu part comes in. The next time your heart feels pulled, the next time you feel tempted, the next your heart starts looking to be noticed and desired by another woman, I want you to immediately pick up your phone and either text or call your wife to pour that water into her. Let the temptation itself be the cue to pursue her heart. I am not talking about big general “I love you’s”. I want to challenge you to be precise and specific about the minutia of what you love about her. “Hey baby, I’m just thinking about you, and I have so much respect for the way you love and serve your friends even when you’re busy”. “I deeply admire the way you live out your faith. I am challenged by how you pursue the Lord.”

Several years ago I made a huge list on my phone of all things I love, admire, cherish and adore about my wife. I wrote it at a time my heart was overflowing with love for her. Now this list has become like fertilizer I use to pursue my wife. So when I feel tempted in any way to pour out my water on anyone other than my wife I open up my list, and I pick out one thing from the list to text her or say to her. Being tempted is not a sin. Please hear that: being tempted is not a sin. It is what you do with it, so take the temptation and redirect the desire that the temptation is appealing to toward your wife. It’s brilliant!

This is so much different than the old “bounce your eyes” method or the generally unhelpful advice to “not think about bad stuff”. No, whatever you resist grows, so stop fighting it and trying to white knuckle it- just redirect it towards connection. Give it a shot! I want to hear how it might change the game for you.